Some of you reading this may remember a character called Zammo Maguire from the UK kids’ show Grange Hill from back in the day. He urged us to “Just say no”, but not for the type of things I will be talking about in this post. That would be far too heavy! I’ll leave that one with you to dig out should you wish.
So you’ve got a lot of spare time now. Other people know you’ve got a lot of spare time. Other people need things done. Who better to go to than people who have now got a lot of spare time? That’s you, that is!
Retirement is often imagined as a long-awaited yes. You’ve waited all these years for this moment to come. Yes to freedom. Yes to doing what you want, when you want. Yes to lazy lie-ins. Yes to taking things at a leisurely pace. All sounds lovely. But as we all know, life has a tendency not to be as straightforward.
Unexpected, or perhaps in some cases, expected problems can arise, one of which is demands on your time, which can sap your energy and impact you emotionally. Family members may assume you are always available, that you are sitting at home twiddling your thumbs waiting for the next errand to run.
At this point, I do want to add that my point here isn’t around family members necessarily taking advantage – sometimes they may not be aware of the impact the support role you are playing is having. And of course, it’s very normal and right for retirees to offer support to their children/grandchildren, given how busy working life is these days. My point here is about balance, and for you to establish how much commitment you can truly give. More on that throughout the post.
As well as family support, friends may ask for favours. Ex-colleagues may call on you for differing reasons. Neighbours might call on your time. This is all well and good if you have the time and capacity to do so, but if it all seems like it’s getting a little too much, it’s important to take action
And that is where learning to say ‘no’ becomes not just helpful, but essential.
Saying no isn’t about being selfish or difficult; it’s about protecting your own well-being and living a life true to your own values. And as mentioned above, the point of this post is not to say ‘no’ to everything that is asked of you; it is about choosing what you take on, and indeed adapting where necessary.
Just as importantly, it is about setting boundaries early. This is really important. It’s setting your stall about what you can commit to, how much time you can give. We know how life works. If you over-commit to a particular errand, people begin to expect that from you. This makes it harder to retract and pull back then. If you set your commitment levels early on, in a clear and, of course, kind fashion, others know where they stand. This helps avoid resentment further down the line.
This post explores why boundaries are so important in retirement, why saying no can feel uncomfortable, and how to do it in a way that is calm and comfortable. Sit down, buckle up, let’s see where this ride takes us.
Ooh, just had the urge to pop a quote in – let me think of one.
Compassion for others begins with compassion for ourselves – Pema Chodron
This one seems fitting. Look after ourselves so we have enough in the tank to give to others. That’s good advice to me. Moving on.
Why Saying No Can Feel so Hard
Let’s face it, for a lot of us in life, we want to be helpful, reliable and accommodating. They are good attributes to have, of course. We may well have exhibited these characteristics throughout our lives. UK culture tends to instil in us politeness, not wanting to make a fuss or offend. Tempted though we may be at times to dish out two particular words to our boss when they ask us to do something a little out of our comfort zone, more often than not, we say “Of course, boss, I couldn’t be happier” because it’s conditioned within us. I am fully aware, as I type this, that some of you out there probably will dish out the aforementioned two words to your boss – kudos to you!
So a lifetime of conditioning to be helpful to others can make it challenging for us to say no. There are other reasons as to why it can be challenging:
- Fear of disappointing others – in particular family members.
- Fear of conflict – not wanting awkward conversations, perhaps
- Loss of identity – if you’ve always been the helper, what are you if you stop?
- Guilt – a big one. Especially if you think retirement is a privilege you must ‘earn’ by being useful.
So we can see why it can be hard. No, essentially, is just a word. But some words can be harder to say than others. A lifetime of conditioning and underlying fears, as described above, can all lead us to saying ‘yes’ perhaps more often than we should.
Boundaries Are Not Walls
A misunderstanding about boundaries is that they can be seen as a negative. That you are setting limits about what you can do, and therefore that is a ‘bad’ thing. This really isn’t the case.
A boundary is simply you saying, “Yes, I want to help, and am more than happy to do so, but it will be good if we have a chat about the level of commitment I can give.” You choose your own words, of course. You don’t need to say, “Well, Matt said this, so I’m just going to use his words.” I mean, you can, but the likely chance is the response will be “Who the hell is Matt?!”
Anyway, when boundaries are absent:
- Expectations can go unchecked
- Resentment can quietly build
- Relationships can start to become strained
Conversely, when boundaries are clear
- Others know where they stand
- You feel, and indeed are, in more control of your time
- Saying yes becomes more meaningful
Boundaries are not about rigidity. They are about mutual conversations to make things work well for all involved. Everyone is a winner, as Del Boy used to say.
The Cost of Always Saying Yes
It’s easy to underestimate the toll that over-commitment takes in retirement.
Physically, energy levels change with age. Emotionally, transitions like retirement can already bring identity shifts, grief or uncertainty. Adding constant obligation on top can lead to burnout — even without paid work.
Here’s a question for you. How do you usually feel before and after agreeing to things? Do you feel energised? If so, great. Do you feel neutral? Okay, not too bad. Do you feel depleted? If so, then Houston, we have a problem. I appreciate that’s a misquote, but stick with me – it fits nicely in this segment.
Signs you may be saying yes a little too often could include:
- Feeling irritated or resentful about commitments
- Having little time for hobbies, or indeed, all-important rest.
- Avoiding phone calls or messages
- An overriding feeling that your days are not truly your own
These signs are helpful. Don’t see them as a negative. See them as clues that something, somewhere, needs to change. That’s no bad thing. We, as humans, can adapt, and sometimes we need to make a few alterations to try to restore some equilibrium. Let’s take a look at what we can do then.
How To Say No Kindly and Confidently
Saying no doesn’t have to be abrupt, awkward or difficult. Really, all you need to do is keep it nice and calm and simple. Here are a few principles to go by;
1. Keep it simple
You don’t need a lengthy explanation as to why. If you do, then your words could get tangled, your message confused. It doesn’t need to be that way. Simple phrases such as;
“That doesn’t work for me, I’m afraid”
“I’m not able to do that, sadly”
” I think that would be a little too much for me. I would like to help, though. Could we chat a little more about it?”
“I’m unable to commit to that at the moment”
Look, these are just examples, and you will no doubt have your own ideas. Most people in life generally accept it when others cannot commit to a certain request and are fine with it. But if someone objects to you saying no, or just gets plain funny with you, well, maybe it’s they who need to do some adjusting here. I would be interested in your thoughts on that final point, so please do leave them in the comments below.
2. Be consistent
Yes, this is important. It’s not helpful to send mixed messages by saying one thing one day and something else another. Of course, if you change your mind and feel you can offer help, great, crack on and do it. But the danger is, if guilt takes over, you may adjust your approach and then take on something that deep down you know you will struggle to commit to. If you are consistent, this builds trust, and again, others will know their position. No bother – you are just taking an element of control.
3. Separate feelings from decisions
Feelings eh! Cor, they can take over, can’t they? Yes, they can, but the idea is to not let them. You can care deeply about a person but still hold your own boundaries. Feelings of guilt can take over, but they don’t need to. Remind yourself through your own thinking that your well-being is equally important as everyone else’s. You need to look after yourself, too. So if negative feelings take over, remind yourself through the power of your own self-talk that you are committing to help, but are balancing that with looking after your own mental health at the same time. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
4. Practice beforehand
Yes, that’s a good one. Have a practice on your own. When I go walking (and I walk a lot), the number of times I just speak out loud and run conversations through my head is incredible. It’s amazing! I genuinely do it in quiet places, fields and the like, not in the middle of Morrisons (other supermarkets are available!), but I find it a great help for my own well-being. It really is. So yes, play a conversation through in your mind. You don’t have to speak out loud, but I do find it helps. Find somewhere quiet, and just imagine how you might start a conversation where you are saying ‘no’ to someone. Figure out a few responses they might give, then formulate your own replies to that. I get it – best laid plans and all of that. The conversation may not go down the route you thought about, but that doesn’t matter. At a minimum, it will give you some confidence in how you might kick-start the discussion and just overall make you feel better about it all. Don’t be afraid to talk to yourself. I probably talk to myself more than I do to my wife and kids!
When Pushback Happens
The world isn’t perfect – good grief, we all know that. So although most people will accept your response, it’s fair to say that maybe not everybody will. What’s the answer? Screw them! No, we need a better response than that!
Pushback often happens from unmet expectations, or perhaps the individual is having a problem which they are struggling to find a solution for. They were hoping you might have been the answer, and now emotion might be coming in a little as they are struggling to know how to move forward. That’s understandable.
When this happens;
- Stay calm
- Repeat your boundary without escalation
- Resist the urge to over-explain
It may be that you suggest that you return to the conversation later that day, or the next, when emotions may have died down a little. Attacking a conversation with a level head, free of negative emotion, is always going to be a better bet than having a discussion when negative feelings are at the forefront.
Remember – and I do think this is important – discomfort is often temporary. Resentment lasts much longer.
Final thoughts: Choosing Yourself Without Apology
Saying no in retirement is not a failing of kindness. In reality, you are showing a form of wisdom, but having the confidence to open up a discussion about what you can and cannot commit to. Much healthier all around.
You’ve earned the right to live this chapter intentionally — to rest, to explore, to connect, and to protect your wellbeing. And yes, to help others to, but on certain terms.
When you set boundaries early and clearly, you teach others how to treat your time. More importantly, you teach yourself that your needs matter. Setting these early is so vital.
And from that place, the life you build in retirement is far more likely to feel calm, meaningful and truly your own.
I hope you have enjoyed reading this post. Please do share your own thoughts in the comments below. Perhaps you’ve struggled to say no to a particular request, or you may have other solutions on how we can set out our commitment to others in a healthy way. I do encourage discussion, because shared knowledge is how we will improve in this crazy game called life, so please do share your thoughts below. Thank you.